Melody Grossman, 32, a graphic designer and artist who splits her time between London and Berlin, has had emetophobia – a fear or anxiety of vomiting or seeing others vomit – ever since she can remember.
Although she is uncertain how the phobia developed, she remembers being “afraid of vomiting” as a child, and she said her last memory of being sick was when she was just six or seven years old.
Now, Melody said she thinks about her emetophobia “multiple times a day” – describing it as “a small monster living inside of (her)” – and she often finds herself unable to sleep, eat or leave her home due to her fear of being sick.
She said she “constantly worries” about food she has eaten upsetting her stomach and when she does experience nausea, she finds herself staying up “all night” doing everything she can to stop herself vomiting, including taking medication.
Melody has spent years in therapy and tried various medications, but she is now fundraising for specialist hypnotherapy sessions at a clinic in Berlin, as she believes this may be the best way to end the “distressing cycle”.
Melody told PA Real Life: “I haven’t been sick since I was six or seven, which I think contributes to my phobia because the last memory I have of being sick is being terrified as a child.
“Last year it got to a point where I felt like I just can’t deal with this anymore, this is clouding over my whole life, I can’t do it, and that’s when I started looking into hypnotherapy again.
“It would honestly be life-changing to be able to overcome the phobia. I can’t even imagine a life right now where I live without this fear constantly in the back of my mind.
“Everything would change.”
According to the NHS, emetophobia is characterised by a marked fear or anxiety of oneself vomiting or seeing others vomit.
It is often accompanied by distressing physical symptoms of anxiety, such as increased heart rate, changes in breathing, feelings of nausea and light-headedness.
For Melody, she believes her emetophobia developed during her childhood, but she does not know exactly what caused it.
“I can’t pinpoint a particular memory, but I think it’s been there my whole life,” she explained.
“I think it’s normal to be afraid of vomiting as a child – it’s scary, you don’t know what your body’s doing – but then it becomes something else when it progresses to adulthood.”
Melody said she last remembers being sick on a plane, aged six, and having food poisoning, aged seven – meaning she has not vomited for more than two decades.
Ever since then, Melody said her emetophobia has worsened, to the point where it has prevented her from “carrying on with daily activities”, such as going to the shops.
She said: “I remember thinking, ‘How can I not just go to the supermarket and get groceries?’.”
Melody said she has “obsessive thoughts” about food, use-by dates and cleanliness every day; she has compulsive tendencies, such as “excessive hand washing”; and she often finds herself unable to sleep at night.
She said the fear and anxiety of being sick can be “debilitating” and, when it comes to flying, she feels “awful for days or even weeks surrounding any trip”.
“I’ve had periods before where I’ve been staying up all night because I felt sick and I was trying to do anything I could not to be sick,” she said.
“I’m constantly worrying about things I’ve eaten, if I’ve prepared it safely, if the food was stored hygienically… and, quite often, I’ll be thinking about something I’ve eaten hours after and it’s very mentally draining.
“Then there’s the fear of getting sick or feeling sick in public spaces, and being unable to escape, unable to control my body’s response.
“I know the phobia itself can sound silly because not many people enjoy being sick, but it’s more than that – it’s the anxiety that comes with it that can be debilitating.”
Melody said she has spent thousands on therapy, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and talking psychotherapy, she has tried various medications and she has seen a “bunch of specialists”.
She said these treatments, along with meditation and journaling, have helped her, as she has learned techniques to “interrupt (her) patterns of thinking”, but her emetophobia still remains an “exhausting” presence in her life.
Describing her phobia, which causes her to have “severe panic attacks” and physical symptoms of shaking, sweating and nausea, she said: “In therapy, I’ve often visualised it as a small monster or a creature living inside of me.
“Sometimes it’s asleep and then sometimes, when you least expect it, this monster goes into overdrive and it can be unpredictable.
“It turns into this horrible, distressing cycle where I’m feeling sick at the thought of being sick and it’s almost impossible to break out of it.”
Melody said there are many misconceptions surrounding phobias, especially as they cannot be “seen from the outside”, and she has found some medical professionals to be “dismissive” of her symptoms.
She said she has seen some “amazing therapists” and tried hypnotherapy already, but these sessions have taken a “toll on (her) financially”, meaning she is now turning to the public for help.
She has therefore set up a fundraising page to help pay for specialist hypnotherapy sessions at a clinic in Berlin, which will cost around £3,000.
“There’s a clinic in Berlin which has its own hypnosis techniques and they have lots of positive case studies,” she said.
“I think a lot of people expect it to be like it is on TV, where a magician hypnotises you and then they can make you do whatever you want, but it’s not like that at all.
“You’re just in a very deeply relaxed state and, when you’re in that state, you can access certain parts of your mind that you can’t normally.”
Raising more than £700 so far, Melody said seeing the donations come in has been “emotional” and she hopes the fundraiser encourages others to seek help and speak out.
She is offering her brightly coloured abstract artwork in return for people’s generosity, including A4 prints, tote bags and floral paintings, and she has hope that she will overcome her emetophobia one day.
Speaking about the fundraiser, she said: “I just feel like my heart is soaring with everybody’s kindness and support.
“If more people felt comfortable to talk about (their phobias) after reading this, that would be more than enough for me.
“I would be so happy if it just made even one person feel more hopeful or more able to share their story.”
To find out more or donate, visit Melody’s fundraising page here: melodygstudio.com/fundraising-mental-health