When you have a problem, it’s natural to turn to the same friend or your partner to vent, whether you’re frustrated with work, a blunt text from a family member or the state of the world.
But it’s important to foster different kinds of connections so you can have people you go to for different things, Adam Grant, Ph.D., organizational psychologist and author of the new book “Vibe,” tells TODAY.com.
He recommends seeking out these three kinds of relationships to make sure you’re getting the range of outlets we all need.
Mental Health Tip of the Day: The 3 Most Important Relationships to Build Connection
Grant says his research points to three important types of connections based on studies of interactions and relationships from around the world. He came up with these terms based on patterns he noticed of common goals and interests.
- Companions: someone you can confide in and vice versa
- Pals: someone you have fun with
- Allies: someone you’re helping pursue goals and vice versa
Why It Matters
“There’s actually some strong evidence showing that if you go to different friends for different things, you actually have higher well-being than people who go to one friend for everything,” Grant explains.
“If you only have one person that you can count on to collaborate with, to enjoy and or confide in, then you’re at risk of basically overburdening that person and putting too much stress and pressure on the relationship,” he adds. “Whereas if you have a couple of pals that you could call when you’re bored, you have some companions that are great shoulders to cry on, you have some allies that you could do a project with, that allows you basically to have more sources of support available.”
Grant says it’s beneficial to understand relationships in this way — as opposed to categorizing them by how close you are or how you know them — because “that doesn’t tell us anything about why we’re connected.”
“What purpose does this relationship serve? What role do these people play in our life? I think that matters because if you’re not on the same page with people about what kind of bond you have or what kind you’re trying to build, it’s a recipe for disappointment and even sometimes feeling betrayed.”
Research also shows that close friendships improve overall life satisfaction, protect against depression and reduce the likelihood of dying from all causes.
How to Get Started
The first thing to do when you’re forming a new connection with someone or reassessing an old one is deciding which of the three bonds you want it be, Grant says. Then you can decide a next step based on your choice.
For example, for an ally, ask about a goal or challenge and try to help them. Pals should find a common interest, like karaoke or pickleball, and make plans around that activity. And with companions, try to get deep by talking about regrets, embarrassing moments or something along those lines, Grant suggests.
And if it turns out you’re not on the same page about the connection you’re trying to build, rather than writing that person off entirely, you can instead think about how they could better fit into your life in another way, Grant adds.