Speaking up for our needs can help create healthier relationships. However, it isn’t always easy to set boundaries, especially with loved ones.
“It is so hard for people because they often perceive boundaries (to be) unkind and inflexible, but it’s actually quite the opposite,” psychotherapist and author Niro Feliciano told TODAY in an Oct. 8 segment.
“Boundaries are a love language for ourselves and for everyone else. When we can protect our limits mentally and physically, we show up better for people (and) we feel more connected,” Feliciano explains.
“Anyone who has issues with your boundaries, they’re the people who benefited from you not having them,” she says.
Mental Health Tip of the Day: Use These 5 “I” Phrases To Set Boundaries with Loved Ones
“First, we have to identify where we need boundaries. So any area of our life, relationship or situation, where we feel exhausted, depleted or resentful, there’s likely a boundary that needed to be set that wasn’t,” Feliciano says.
Here are five common situations where Feliciano sees people struggling to set boundaries with loved ones, and her favorite clear, direct “I” phrases to use to communicate needs:
- Saying no: “I would love to come, but I have a commitment then. Thank you for thinking of me.”
- Asking for space: “I need to take some time for myself right now and find a better balance in my life.”
- Defining an off-limits topic: “I am not talking about my relationship status tonight.”
- Dealing with unsolicited advice: “I appreciate your concern, but I thought about this and I’ve figured it out. But what would help me is if you listened.”
- Responding to rudeness or disrespect: “I want to have this conversation with you, but when you are calm and can talk to me respectfully.”
Why It Matters
Boundaries are not mean, rigid rules. They’re a way to define what’s acceptable in a relationship, and what’s not.
“You have to know your limits. What triggers you? What makes you feel stressed? What are you okay with?,” says Feliciano.
The ultimate goal of setting boundaries should be to both protect our own mental health and improve our connections with others.
That’s why Feliciano recommends using “I” statements instead of “you” statements, since “you” statements tend to direct focus and blame on the other person. “It puts people on the defensive. We’re not controlling other people’s behavior; we’re defining our limits,” she says.
Boundary phrases should be clear, direct and brief. It’s easy to fall into the trap of over-explaining, which can weaken boundaries.
“Tone is also important,” Feliciano says. It’s possible to be firm but kind, and even loving, when setting a boundary.
How to Get Started
Once you define your own boundaries and identify where you need them, it’s important to communicate them clearly as soon as the situation arises.
For example, if you’re burned out but have trouble saying no to a pushy friend who wants to go out, respond with a brief boundary phrase politely declining and thanking them for the invite.
Avoid lengthy excuses. “Do not give convoluted explanations. No one wants to hear about your grandmother’s cat that had eye surgery, so you couldn’t make it to the event,” Feliciano.
Depending on the situation, you may want to explain what will happen if that person crosses your boundary.
After you tell your parents that your breakup is off-limits at Thanksgiving dinner, for example, try following up with a proposed action. “You can say, if someone brings this up, I’m going to change the topic or I might have to leave,” says Feliciano.
Finally, it’s important to enforce your boundaries consistently, and with kindness.
“I want you to think about putting yourself in their shoes and practicing some empathy. Extend to them some of the grace you want for yourself when you need to set a limit,” Feliciano says.
TODAY’s Expert Tip of the Day series is all about simple strategies to make life a little easier. Every Monday through Friday, different qualified experts share their best advice on diet, fitness, heart health, mental wellness and more.